A silent dreamer

The first day of January today, people yell out about their resolution every year but not for me because I have a long game with my life. The Beginning of the year is a difficult time for me to accept 12 months have passed and memories have been archived while nothing precious moment happen. I feel older every new year more than my birthday, silly but it’s true, some regrets and sorrow. I believe in dreams, I have many dream since kid, yeah you know each of them not even close to be true, until I decide my last dream, “become a Software Architect or a System Engineer” one of them it’s great.

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Dealing with an uncertain feeling

A few months ago I told you about a girl who I loved killed me with her existence and her smiles. Well, the curtains were tightly closed now. No, she is not married yet but I think she found someone what she want. I know “specific type” of what the man she is looking for, I can’t be that man because that “specific type” regarding with his job and career. The specific type that she think it’s cool, patriotic, that she will be proud stand along with him. Then I hate myself for a moment in my situation, but I get started to convince myself to getting over.

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A few days ago I updated my Instagram profile with assertive heading “Solitude is my treasure”. It’s explain a lot to people about myself, but they get me wrong sometime, that I can’t work together, that I’m hard to speak aloud, that I don’t need somebody else, they said “uhh you are boring, nah lame I don’t want to walk around you, gimme a space”. They’re completely wrong, I need to share, a companion, attention (…yeah you just want attention, you don’t want my heart…ups sorry, I don’t want to sing Charlie Puth’s song).  Everybody wants to be understood including me, I will trade my time with them who call my name within the silence.

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When will you marry?

September at this now! marriages everywhere, I know here, in Indonesia especially Javanese culture wedding day is settled by unique of calculation, some range of dates they called “Jumadil akhir, Rajab, Ruwah” and “Besar” as it is now. But today I gonna talk about my plan how to get there. Damn, at my age people keep talking, ask again and again, “When will you marry?”, it’s not bored question but I have no specific answer for that. For the time being I want to settle down at 28, the problem is, right now I don’t have any candidate who is to be my wife.

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The circle

I updated my following list yesterday, and I will do frequently and often. People changing toward trends and situation in their life, good things and enviable moment is the most reason to make it to the social media. People should know their existence, affirm their happiness, show what they are capable of doing. I admit that we can’t help our self to post it and make it online, but as a follower now I’m feeling disturbed by their status and photos, so I block them all, hmm in right way, I stop following them, keep my Feed healthy again.

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It’s a zombie shift, darling

“Mas – mas IT kalo gak lembur pulang jam 8, kalo lagi lembur pulang jam 1 malam”, it is a joke, but sometime it’s true, entah kenapa mbak – mbak bagian Finance sering bilang gitu kepada anak baru yang tanya kenapa kita sering pulang terakhir, tapi yah itu jadi kebiasaan beberapa bulan terakhir. Seven eleven aku bilang, jam ketika aku keluar dari rumah dan ketika aku sampai di rumah lagi. Let’s rewind, back to college when I had ideal mind, I have a lot of choices but here I am. Things are not exist or happen suddenly, everything is triggered by chain of process, a lot of pain and failure, I know every pieces of me are mostly hidden, but I give you the shot now.

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Perempuan itu

And I know it’s long gone, and there was nothing else I could do, and I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to.. It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

– All Too Well by Taylor Swift

You know what, aku jarang membicarakan tentang seorang wanita bahkan dengan teman sekalipun. Bukan karena aku tidak tertarik dengan mereka atau aku malu mengakuinya, tapi aku memilih untuk tidak membicarakannya karena dia berbeda. I’d love to be admirer in secret, and today I tell you a story about the girl, girl who shake my heart and she always cross in my mind. She just an ordinary girl like other girls, sometime I think that she was a girl what I’m looking for, but still she is far away, not by distance but my silent.

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